My Heart is Weary, My Thoughts Betray Me…..

My is heart is weary, my thoughts are betraying me. Why is that my thoughts are becoming my own worst enemy. Today, I went to a place I love. The Barnes and Noble’s here in Battle Creek. I sit in my favorite place  in the Starbucks cafe enjoying my mocha latte as I sit and read from a new book from upon the shelf. I read the book but yet not understanding one word as my thoughts are wondering elsewhere.

I look at my self I am wearing shoes I pick up from the Charitable union because my shoes I did have had a hole in them. I had no money to buy a new pair. I look at my coat, my coat has a tear in the side where my coat had got caught on a nail. I don’t have the money to buy a new one. The job I had, I was let go because I was not able to keep up, my asthma had over came me sending me to the hospital. I continue to look that this book liking  a few of the words trying to get into the book. Then, I see in my peripheral vision a woman looking at me as if I had done something to her. I look back at her then she pear at me as if saying leave you don’t belong here. I then quickly look around the store glancing at all the other women in the store. I see all the women having very nice clothing gossiping with each other all giving me a little look as if they were all talking about me. I didn’t look that bad. I take a quick nose rub on my shoulder to make sure I didn’t smell. I had took a shower, put deodorant on, and had some of my perfume I like on. My hair is done, I have some make-up on. I am wearing just a pair of jeans and a plain tee shirt. My shoes and coat the only thing somewhat outta place.

I love this place maybe it is because I don’t always buy the books I read. I would on a day I have money. But this week has been a ruff for me. I sit in my seat only for a few minutes more until I get this overwhelming feeling I am just not wanted. I decide to get my latte then I put the book back on the self, out the door I walk. As, I walk down to the middle of the mall towards my turn to where the bus stop is I just look around to all the folks. They are just carrying on the business day as it is still early. I think to myself how many other people are going through what I am going through? I have a husband that has betrayed me by spending our rent money. I about to lose my home as I have no money. I am at a lose of words because I was once looked upon with such amazement by some that I made me feel good about myself.

I finally make it to my destination the bench at the bus stop. I sit there just continuing to look around then I notice a woman walking up to the mall entrance. I look at her as a hawk would look at a mouse he was about to pounce on as I knew her well. She was one of girls that made my life in school hordeous for me. She was one that would make fun of me constantly getting all the other kids in school to laugh at me and they would often jump on me at the bus stop beating me up. My heart starts to pound; my hands start to sweat. The girl looked my way and gave a little laugh as she too recognized me. I wanted to jump up and just start pounding on her with every hit was the weight of all my pain inflicting pain on her, but the thought of going to jail was more powerful.

I just look up to the sky with all the clouds and I pray “God help me”. My thoughts quickly change to remembering when I was a kid. This very place was once a field with a swamp like area in it. I would throw rock into the water and then lay on my back looking at the sky many years ago. These thoughts slowly clam my sole then I think of the times I would go fishing with my grandpa and my tears that were trying to fall suddenly dry up. I then notice the bus coming my way I stand up to await my turn to get on the bus. I see in front of me a man I had once turned down fro a date. He looked at me and said “if you wasn’t married I would marry you, then he says sic- I just playing giving a laugh and walking away. Normally I wouldn’t give a crap what he said but today it bothered me. I thought what a jerk and just wanted to punch him.

My heart started to pound again and now my body started to hurt along with a headache coming on. I left this morning to go have sometime away from the house. I needed time to think my issues out. Just be by myself. But then this over whelming thought can over me. I am going to get my book published one day and I will be sitting in my same spot in Barnes and Noble but this time autographing my book for folks then if I see these same two people I can instead laugh at them and return their comments they give me back at them. I go to the UPS store talking with these folks about book binding. I come up with a solution to my issue. Maybe when I get my taxes back, I can take my book here and publish my book on my own. Then, yet again my thoughts inter-fear, I need a editor. I don’t want to publish my book and it has a tons for simple grammar issues. I jst decide to leacve and go home to think of a solution to this problem.

I get on the bus headed back home, my heart is starting to hurt along with my head. With every block we pass my head and heart hurt even more. I decide to go up to the hospital to make sure my heart is OK. As i have had a heart attack before at age 34 and don’t ever want to fell that kind of pain again. The nurse takes blood pressure and that urns up very high 186/109. The nurse asks me if I had take my high blood pressure medication I reply, “yes I had”. The doctors quickly take me back to a room. They put an IV in giving my blood pressure medications and some pain medicine for my head hurting. The time was about 12:30 pm. I slowly felt my get very heavy.

The nurse came into the room lightly tapping on my shoulder asking me how I felt. I looked at her and said I feel much better. I look at the clock it now said 6:30pm. Wow, what happened? The nurse said I had fell asleep. She asked if I have been stressed out. I answered yes and explained what had been happening. She replied to me that sure will do it to your blood pressure. The doctor came into the room telling me he was letting me go home. The doctor then tells me, “Carolyn you need to find ways to not be so stressed, you are going to give yourself another heart attack. I exclaimed how. I don’t know what to do. I am at a verge of being homeless again because of my stupid husband and have no one to rely on.  This doctor knows me fairly well he tells me you should really start going back to church because I know you like going, that might help you. I just shook my head in agreement. I get up to get myself around I stumble..Wow, I am like really high still. I ask what did you give me. He replied some anti-anxiety medication and pain medicine. He said just go home to bed. He said you got someone to call. I looked at him and I wanted to just start crying….I replied ” no, I’ll just call a cab home”. The doctor handed me a $5 dollar bill, here that will get ya home. The doctor knew I only lived down the street. I said thank you.

I got in the cab and decided to run through the drive thru of Arby’d as I am hungry and I know I don’t have crap at home. I have $10 and the $5 the doctor gave to get home so I am good. I ordered an cheap meal and off to home I went. I get home and the house is a mess. I walked passed it all and went straight to my room ate my food and laid down for the night clothes and shoes still on.

I woke up it is now 7am. I walk around the house my so called husband sleep on the couch my son in his room. I just shake my head and go back to my room. I open up my lap top and I am now finishing this entry for today. I hope today will go better. But I got the Landlord to deal with today so all I can do is pray today will go better than yesterday………….



2 Comments on “My Heart is Weary, My Thoughts Betray Me…..”

  1. Victoria C. Slotto January 8, 2012 at 11:59 pm #

    I’m just catching up with e-amils and ran across your comment asking about how to get published. The most important thing is to keep trying. I sent out so many query letters, had an agent, all the usual stuff. Finally I looked into small Independent publishers. Mine is Lucky Bat Books. The have books that they accept for their imprint and they have a self-publishing arms. The issue with these smaller houses is that they expect you to share up-front costs to reduce their risks. I think I read earlier on your blog that that could be an issue, so I would suggest e-publishing which I think is coming into its own. Check out They have books in e-book format that are free on how to format and market. Sadly, traditional publishers aren’t willing to take a risk on first time authors. But with an e-book, you can do it yourself, market it and get your name out there to give yourself some credibility. Go for it!

    • lilbitcraze January 9, 2012 at 12:19 am #

      thank you for your insight on publishing. I think I am going to head into self publishing.

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