Why do So many women stay in Domestic Violence Situations? My experience is why…

I had gotten with my youngest kid’s father when I was about 6months pregnant with my oldest son, Robert. I was left by myself as it was a bad break-up with my oldest son’s father. I was babysitting for the people that lived across the street trying to earn extra money. The man that lived across the street had a nephew that was in a place I was struggling so he hooked me up. I really didn’t care for the guy once I got to know him but he was shelling out money I needed so I just ran with it. I had no kind of support system to help me through this difficult situation. The man ended up moving in and he did in fact help. He bought my son’s crib and all the stuff I needed. I slowly over time heard some disturbing things about this man but the fact he was shelling out money I needed over took the urge to be by myself. Well, the had shot firecrackers at me when i first met him should have been a clue. Then, the disturbing issues like he put a firecracker up a cats butt and lit the fire cracker should have been the big alarm but I kept going.

My son was born the man helped a lot with my son. I would often over sleep and wake up to find the man had got my son up, feed him, changed and clothed him, and they were up watching cartoons. These were the things that I liked more. Then, there was the flip side. The man drank quit heavily and did some drugs mainly smoked weed. At first it was just on the weekends he’d hang out. We would fight some but not all that bad nor did he put his hands on me. There was the day that we both went to a party. The party had some folks we both knew of. For some reason I still don’t know of the man and some other guy started fighting it was pretty ugly. The m,an said that we had to leave so we started to walk home. On the way, we were fighting badly. He had grabbed a 2×4 and looked at me with the most disgust i had ever seen and he told me if i ever tried to leave he would kill me. Like a dummy, I contested his statement. He threw the 2×4 at me lucky it missed me. He then grabbed me and threw me to the ground with his body on top of mine with his hand cocked the man says “i am not fucking playing with you try if you want I will hate you even more than heather. I was scared and did not know what to do. I just kept to myself and foolishly thought he was just drunk and pissed off at what happened at the party so I didn’t do anything.

I just about close to having my 2nd son Hideki. It was 4th of July. We had let off a bunch of firecrackers for my son. I put my son to bed and the man left for the night to hang out with friends. It was I would say about 11 o’clock at night the smoke alarm goes off, smoke was every where. I was so scared. I grabbed my son and called the fire department then called The man. Come to find out, the firecrackers that I threw away were  still hot and set the garbage on fire. I had a fan in the window just above where the garbage can was so all the smoke was pored into the window. The man came home and found what was going on and started to call me every name in the book. We really began to fight he hauled off and hit me in the stomach saying I don’t want this kid and left the house. I was so upset, my oldest son’s dad came and took me to the hospital to make sure everything was ok. I was in fact find just more feelings hurt than anything. My body was sore for awhile then on the 9th my second son was born. I remember my son was only a few days old, when the man had came home super drunk and walked the same path to the bathroom as our old apartment and pissed everywhere in the closet. It was funny at the time but those situations were stating to become more frequent. The more drunk and high the worse the problems. I was called low class trash, whore, bitch, you say it i was called. I started to go back to school and take classes to improve my abilities to care for my son’s. There were days the man would help me as he was in fact very smart especially math. Then there were the days he was drunk he would say “you are so fucking stupid, you need to go back to elementary before you go to college.” He would talk to me so badly I would just wish he’d to hit me and get it over. I would cry myself to sleep. I had asked my mom what to do she told me that I need to just suck it up because he financially helped me. My oldest son’s family told me to leave his crazy ass before he really hurts you. I just didn’t know who to trust, plus if i left where would i go. Everyone had an opinion but when I asked if I left where am i suppose to go did not one person offer any kind of suggestions but instead said you need to figured that one out on your own.

Well, I was working 2 part-time jobs, still going to college taking developmental classes, and was know pregnant with my 3rd son Devin. It was Dec 2nd i had just finished my final exams and passed with a 4.0 gpa. I had quit my jobs because I was so far pregnant and had 2 babies at home also. On Dec 3rd I had my son Devin. I was only in the hospital one day they sent me home. I was lucky I had no problems what so ever having my kids they popped out and a few hours later I was up walking around. This time it was different. The man started to not help no where near what he had done in the past. I was always exhausted. Then, I think it was about a month or so after a very bad situation happened. The m,man’s friends had committed a very horrific attack on some small woman. I had came that evening and the guys were in my house as they normally were it was the next day the murder was on the news, I was terrified these are guys I knew and worst off they were in my house after the fact. The man told me not to over exaggerate  they didn’t do it. I was still scared. I know had the FBI following me everywhere I went the police were always pulling me over threatening me to have my boys taken from me. I had went to the doctor as I was having major troubles. The doctor put me on anti-depression medications and muscle relaxers. The doctor said that i needed to stop being so stressed fast as I was heading for a heart attack. So, I got some money from my oldest son’s dad, got a u haul, and moved all my stuff. I had left the man and went to Kalamazoo were my mom was staying at the time. my mom had a good guy for a boyfriend and I was able to stay with her.

I was talking with my oldest son’s dad for a bit. Then, the man started to come around apologizing etc… Like a fool I again let it go but stayed firm I was not going back to Battle Creek. Wow, I find out I am pregnant again despite using birth control. This was a sticky situation as I wasn’t for sure if the baby was The man’s or my oldest son’s dad. But the realization that more than likely the baby belonged to my oldest son’s dad was most likely as  it fit the date. I had got into an accident with my sister and I had lost the baby. I think that was God’s will on the situation. Then, my oldest son’s dad was pissed off and now went after trying to get custody of my oldest son. Then, I was fighting with the man on the situation. We were offered help by the man’s mother if we relocated to Florida. We were suppose to leave all drama behind us and start new in Florida, Dec 1999, we left. Everything started on a great note then I found out I was pregnant again I. The man seemed OK until his mother found out she was very upset. But I was taking birth control and I was trying not to get pregnant but still it happened I was not going for an abortion as the man and his mother tried to force me into. I had my daughter in Oct 2000. I went to the hospital all by myself not one person came to the hospital including the man. He said that she was my child he already had a daughter. The man’s mother said to me if you get your tubes tied to make no more kids I will help you buy a house. I believed her and ran with it. She seen what i was going through with her son’s constant drinking and getting high. It had started to become even worse after then man’s brother came to live with us.

i went with the man’s mother and picked out a home. Not the greatest but It was to be mine I could raise my kids in. Over the next few years the more I went to school to improve myself the more the fighting, the more hateful and more violent it became. I had left once through the domestic violence shelter and returned to Michigan only to be betrayed by my mother. She would not help me and she said I needed to go back.  Some real Ike Turner shit, I returned back to Florida. It had gotten 100% better for like 2 months then the man returned back to his nasty hitting drunk belligerent self. I just did the best I could. We even know had our own separate beds rooms. I moved my daughter in with me and the man’s stuff in to her room. Then, one night he had came home talking crap as always but this night he said you know don’t nobody love’s you I could kill you, throw you off the bridge, and nobody would care or look for you because you don’t have anybody, you fat nasty no family having rotten bitch. He kept on all night until he finally fell asleep. I stood over him sleeping with tears falling from my face i was so hurt. All i could think I loved you and worked hard to improve myself, he hadn’t noticed i had lost 25 pounds I was working out at the gym trying it look better all the children had messed my body up, stayed with you through thick and thin. How many times did i save you from falling asleep in the closed up garage with the car running. I literally wanted to jam the knife into his heart and tear it out then stuff it down hi throat. Then, i thought to myself i can’t do this. I went to my side of the house and at that moment i decided I had to leave before I lost m y mind and actually hurt this man. Two days later i pack a little 89 toyota corolla up with what I could, 4 children and 2 cats. While the man was gone to work I left on the highway driving so fast I did not stop until my tire popped on the car near Chattanooga, Tennessee.

I was pulled off to the side of the road with my children sitting under a tree to escape the heat, when i realized I was hurrying so fast I forgot to get my floor jack to my car out of the shed. Then, 2 men stopped to assist me. I was very grateful. One of the men was a pastor then other his deacon. They paid for a tow truck to come and fix my tire. he only requested one thing from me and that was to get back into church he stated God misses you and your children needs to know him. I was totally like WTH. How did this man know I haven’t been in church in awhile. There are no words to explain what just happened. The 2 men left just as easy as they came.

I got to Michigan and I went to my oldest son’s dad’s home as that was the only place I had to go. I was there only a short time, we had to go it was not working so we went to the homeless shelter. I worked really hard to get us into a home then I started to go to a church and I took my children. I then moved into  a home. When we first moved in we had no utilities. I went and got water to flush toilet, for children to wash up, to drink. I slowly got the money to turn on utilities electric first then water. I had no cooking wares so with then small sandwich cooker i made hot food for my children. I bought us some electric heaters to keep warm as it was fall and didn’t quite have the money to turn gas on for cooking, heat, and hot water. Every night i was up washing my children’s clothes in the tub with an old wash board i had. The pastor had stopped by one day for no particular reason and he seen I was cooking my children some eggs in the sandwich maker. the pastor asked me if I knew that what I was cooking On was a sandwich maker, I explained to him that I knew but I had no gas yet and nobody was helping me so I buy what I can to help. I had got the sandwich maker at the Salvation Army resale store for $2.oo. I also told him it worked just fine to cook eggs, etc and it didn’t really matter as long as my kids have hot food. I struggled hard to get us up and running again. The pastor had told my story at the church of what he saw and the out pouring was great. i got gas turned on and lots of pots and pans and nice beds for kids, etc. i was finally doing good. i had started to work for the Daycare at the church. I was running the cafeteria I was doing well. Then…..I was fooled by the man’s  mother. She pleaded with me not to keep her grand kids from her and she was sorry for the stuff her son had done to me. My heart being as it was felt sorry and the fact the children loved their grandma I agreed and we made arrangements so the children could spend summer with her. I told her the kids could visit her and that she was responsible for them. We both agreed about the situation and that the man was irresponsible. Well, the time to visit came the kids left, then it was time for the kids to return and she refused to return the kids further stating that it was in fact my fault her son was the way he was and that I was a low class white trash. I was devastated and I call the authorities nothing was done, I called legal aid nothing was done..The church said they could not help me because they told me not to send them down there. This was true but i tired to make sure the kids had good relationship with grandma. To make this short it is know 2011 i lost everything trying to get kids back home with me but I still don’t have them. I have decided not to give up but re think this I have spent all money and resources I save only to get not further getting them back as I was 6 years ago. I have been working on a home for the kids to come home too. As the man’s mother has a lot of money and my money is short plus I have no family support to help me. The man didn’t sign birth certificate’s, has a very long police record and still got the children…why because money. he had money to pay for a very good lawyer and a mother who supported him with money and what ever he needed. I had nobody and what money I had is what I earned. I stopped paying rent to file papers to court and find lawyer from Battle creek. me and my oldest son lost everything..I mean everything and in the end the courts in Florida said that the children are better off with their dad because I lacked of financial and family support. I packed all my stuff in my car with my son and headed for court in Florida and with plans to stay with a friend in Mississippi as Mississippi was much closer to Florida than Michigan. I had just enough money for gas and hotel for me and my son. I made half way to Florida when my car broke down. My friend in Mississippi had my car towed to his home the cost $250 to Mississippi. I called the lady from the court I explained what happened and that I was unable to show. I wanted to reschedule the lady had said no problem. I got a letter in the mail in Mississippi that I didn’t show to the appointment and that the man gotten temporary custody because I was unstable. i was mad I was unstable because the courts are getting my rent money. Simply fact is the man whipped me and used the courts to hurt me by taking the kids.

Fast forward to present. my children call me all the time of bad things the man is doing. I call child services and the calls fall on deaf ears. Until, recently i got a letter in the mail saying that the kids grandmother was suing me for child support, how can this be the man and I have joint custody of the kids and was never given any notice of the courts changing custody..I just spent all money getting back on my feet and business going…So, I am back in a situation do I give up everything to attempt to get kids again? IDK……….



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