Struggles

When you are on your own, you often find yourself sitting and contemplating about your life. The memories, the struggles, the drama, the lies told, your health, and thought of were you would like to be. Even a few minutes with your eyes closed with your head tilted backwards, the thoughts of being in that place you dream of temporarily clams the body. For me, the thought of being at a beach with white sand, blue ocean, hot sunny day, laying in a sunbathing chair, soaking in every ray the sun has bestowed upon me, and with the sound of oceans waves crashing upon the shore.  Then, either the phone rings or a knock at the door and my eyes open to my harsh reality. I live in the edge of the gutter yet again. I have on so many occasions got to a point I was living in a nice neighborhood doing well. Then something happens, lose a good job, my ex calling in to my job telling them some type of elaborate lie to get me fired. The look on my kids face when they open the refrigerator to only find it is empty. Their sad faces when they come home from school only to tell me “mom, the kids make fun of me because I am poor, I don’t have nice clothes” . What can I do. Sometimes when we as women, see our children hurting because they lack a basic of have nice clothing, I don’t mean expensive clothing but clothing that keeps them from being made fun of. As a woman, I find myself doing things I would never do to make things happen. It is said that doing the right thing is always best. Well, I think the person that came up with this phrase must not have been in my situation.

I work hard to only be let down. The only way I have found that a person can make it is by networking with those same kinds of people who normally you would never talk to. The way you carry yourself is very important but all people make mistakes and when these folks that you try to network with find you have made a mistake it is as if you have caused a major catastrophe. When behind closed doors, they have done the same thing. I have grown up thinking I was so different from everyone. I was always told I was a little off and just not right in the head because I struggle with anxiety and depression. It is in my family on both sides genetically. When I was in Mississippi and a few other places I have traveled; I have been around doctors and high professionals that we’re taking more medication than I was. Wow, really this was a wake up call. I met this one doctor that on a regular basis was drink to clam his so-called nerves. I went home and looked at myself in the mirror for a long time. What was the difference?The comments that because I am white I shouldn’t have so many problems. These folks have more issues than I do, I am not crazy, I am some what politically incorrect at times but I have not found one person in my travels that has not had the same problem. I go to the bank for a loan and get laughed at when I have a solid idea.

I have figured out that all these situations are about money and stasis. I was born into poverty and low-income and, very low stasis people. I had some folk help one time that belonged to a church. At first the people seemed well intended; I thought I was adding some real good friends. Then, I had some very serious issues happen to me when my children were young and first kidnapped from me by their dad and grandma. I was caught drunk walking out the store with a beer by a church member. The folks said,” what is wrong with you, this is not a way to solve problems”. I knew they were right but I simply wanted to forget for a while. That next weekend at church these same folks acted like I was a total outcast.  Really, I felt so unwanted that was the last time I went to that church. I really hate when people seem to be friends and when you really need them is a crisis they turn their back on you and look down on you like a piece of trash. I am only human, I have struggles like any other person but mine tend to affect everything in my life. I had someone say to me one day why don’t you just get a loan from the bank I did and it helped allot. I asked how did you do that. The person explain  that her parents knew the person at the bank real well. Wow, really I was think your credit is just as bad as mine and the bank lent you money…and why because  the parents knew the bank manager and gave her a good word and they were white upper-class. When I went into the bank I don’t have no parents and in fact my dad is known as a bum to many and my mom as married to a drug addict. I don’t have good credit but a good idea. My business is a Home Daycare for Children, got the paperwork done and clientele just need a better home and help with better equipment. The bank people don’t know me. The lady at the bank just short of laughing in my face with a total disrespectful voice said we cannot help you you have no-one to co-sign and low credit score. It is the same when recently I wrote a book of all my situations, again I find myself not knowing any people who know anything about writing a book. Most folks I know don’t even got a high school diploma. I am not saying that they are dumb by far but in the sense of book knowledge reading a manuscript is much different from running some illegal substance. I have to work extra hard to find my niche. I have to try to make friends with people I don’t have nothing in common with. The way I speak, my body language, and appearance has to be in perfect sink to play a part so that I can get noticed as a person that is intelligent and just wants to live decent. I don’t want a million dollar home. But instead to just have a home with nice furniture in a good neighborhood and the ability to do for my children so that they feel confident about themselves to succeed. Ya Ya I know it is said money don’t make the person but the fact is a person with money tends to be the one that says that bullshit. I say come live in my shoes, if you don’t have money you are not important to most people and you are over looked most often and these most people are the ones that have the resources you need to gain success. And if you don’t do a fantasy trick to get their attention you are not going to get their attention. This is real life. I have found of these “most people” they tend to be white and when they see that my children are multi-raced they look at me as if I disgusted them. Oh and don’t let me show off my piercings, tattoo’s, or my politically incorrect language….I go to college(3.77gpa), run a small business out the home, care for my kids(pay cs for the ones not with me), cook,clean,write, blog, struggle with Asthma and a couple of other stress related health issues, and work hard to get ahead and lastly pray everyday to keep my family safe…So for the people that say your white, your American, you shouldn’t be struggling, your lazy, you ain’t shit, you are a trader of your own race, and so many other things over the years I have been called…You can kiss me where the sun don’t shine…….Cuz I ain’t gonna quit period…….